Why do conversations sometimes turn into arguments?

Have you ever been halfway through an argument and realised you no longer have any idea what you're actually arguing about?

You know you're annoyed. You're fairly certain you're right. And you're absolutely convinced the other person isn't listening.

The chances are they're thinking exactly the same thing about you.

Which raises an uncomfortable question.

Are you actually trying to understand each other, or are you both just waiting for your turn to be right?

Most of us like to think we're reasonable people. We listen, we consider other perspectives and we're perfectly capable of having a civilised disagreement.

Until someone disagrees with us about something that matters.

Suddenly we're interrupting, correcting minor details, bringing up things that happened three weeks ago and constructing our next response while the other person is still speaking.

We might even find ourselves defending a position we didn't feel particularly strongly about five minutes earlier.

Not necessarily because we believe in it so passionately, but because backing down now feels rather like losing.

And somewhere along the way, the original conversation has disappeared.

Are you listening, or looking for evidence?

Imagine someone saying, "You never listen to me."

Your immediate response might be, "That's completely unfair. I listened to you for half an hour yesterday."

And technically, you might be right.

But you've just turned a conversation about someone feeling unheard into a debate about whether the word never is accurate.

You've won the point. Possibly.

But have you understood anything?

We do this surprisingly often. We pick apart the details of what someone says rather than considering what they might be trying to communicate.

Of course, the other person has a responsibility too. Accusations and sweeping statements rarely encourage thoughtful responses.

But we can't control how someone else starts a conversation. We can have some influence over what happens next.

The question we don't always want to ask

The next time you find yourself in an argument, it might be worth asking yourself something.

• Am I trying to resolve this, or am I trying to win?

Because they're not always the same thing.

Winning might mean proving that your version of events is correct. It might mean getting the last word, pointing out an inconsistency or making sure the other person acknowledges your point.

Resolving something usually requires a different approach.

It might mean asking a question when you'd rather make a statement. Acknowledging something you don't particularly want to acknowledge. Or accepting that two people can experience exactly the same situation very differently.

And sometimes it can be as simple as stopping and asking:

• "What are we actually arguing about here?"

It's a deceptively simple question. But it might be enough to interrupt the cycle of defending, correcting and counter-arguing, and help you both recognise what the disagreement is really about.

None of that requires you to abandon your opinion or agree with something you believe is wrong.

It simply requires you to decide what matters more: proving your point or making progress.

And perhaps that's the real challenge.

You can be completely right about something and still be making the conversation worse.